#4- Mommie Dearest

Lorelai: (to Rory) You're not gonna give me the Mommie Dearest treatment forever, are ya?

This is another flick I had never seen before taking on my Gilmore girls Movie Challenge. Why? I honestly have no idea. Just never made it onto my radar until now.

Mommie Dearest was released in 1981. It chronicles the abusive relationship between an alcoholic Joan Crawford and her adopted children, Christina and Christopher. The flick was adapted from Christina Crawford's 1978 autobiography of the same name. Distributed by Paramount Pictures, the only one of the "Big 8" studios that never featured Joan Crawford in a film, Mommie Dearest was a huge box-office success, grossing $39 million on a $5 million budget. As is the case with many of our Gilmore girls references, it has become a cult classic.

The flick opens with Joan going through a meticulous morning routine, scrubbing, exfoliating, scrubbing, dressing- and coming out on the other end looking like a cracked-out circus clown. Yikes!

Later, she heads downstairs to terrorize the help by micro-managing the oh-so-vital task of floor scrubbing.

 

One of Joan's several lovers comes by. She whines about how much she wants a kid while Mr. Boy Toy tries to tell her she'd be a pretty shitty mom because she's too conceited. Unfettered, she heads to the adoption agency, to no avail. This strikes me as hilarious by today's standards, where movie stars have whole troops of adopted kids. Finally Mr. BT pulls some strings and viola, Christina joins the Crawford brood.

Joan loves showing Christina off and making extravagant gestures, but then she does shit like host a huge birthday party with tons of stars who shower Christina with extravagant gifts, only later telling Christina she may keep only one or two gifts and the rest will be given to charity. WTF?!

Later she adopts Christopher as well. Throughout the two children's youth Joan becomes ever more of a drunken fool. The film company she has been with for many years dumps her, sending her into a tailspin of poor-poor me. She lashes out at the kids in a variety of ways, including the infamous "no wire hangers" screaming fit that ends in Christina's closet and bathroom being utterly destroyed, with Christina lying beaten in a heap in the midst of the rubble. When her brother offers to help clean it up, a look of terror comes into Christina's eyes as she emphatically tells him he can't because Mommie Dearest will flip her shit.  

In another freak-out session, Joan tries to force Christina to eat the rest of her dinner, which Christina does not want. An epic stand-off ensues, with Joan presenting the child with the same half-eaten plate of food day after day, for every meal. Christina stands her ground, starving herself for days, until Joan finally backs down.

Away at college, Christina is finally able to crawl out form under the large, psycho-clown shadow of her mother...for a minute. Soon she finds herself falling for a boy. Said boy has a girlfriend, but this doesn't stop him from making out with Christina. Dude's girlfriend catches them making out and reports the incident to the headmistress, who promptly notifies Joan. Joan freaks, worried only about how this will look to her public, ultimately shipping Christina off to a nunnery.

Christina begs not to be sent  away because she loves school, but Mommie Dearest's mind is already made up. Eventually Christina comes to be friends with the nuns, and finds a kind of peace with them.

Joan eventually bounces to Mr. Pepsi, a bigwig for the company, and begins milking him for every dime he has. Mr. P likes Christina. He sneaks her money after Joan demands that Christina make her own way.

Joan lands a good part on a TV series for a while, but her success is short lived when she becomes ill and her good ol' Mommie steps in to the role in her absence, stealing the part away.

Somewhere along the way Joan has to be pulled off of Christina as she strangles the girl.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pepsi dies, leaving a huge debt in his wake. As a board member now, Joan is confronted by the top brass at PepsiCo. They tell her how her hubby had leveraged his stock against a bunch of loans and she now owes them a shit-ton of dough. Unfettered, she freaks the fuck out in a whirl-wind of cursing, yelling and all-around fit-throwing, until she essentially black mails the company into wiping out her debt as well as restoring her stock options and keeping her on the board. Wowzers.

When Joan finally dies, she leaves nothing to Christina and Christopher, stating in her will that this was "for reasons that should be clear to them." Christopher mutters something about Joan always getting the last word. With an evil twinkle in her eyes, Christina disagrees.

I thoroughly enjoyed this flick. Were things really as bad in the Crawford house as Christina portrays in her book? There have been tons of stars, friends and family on each side of the debate. All we can say for sure is that everyone pretty much agrees that Mommie Dearest was an alcoholic, which rarely equals rainbows and puppies. Mommie Dearest was one of the first celebrity tell-alls, and has enjoyed much success.

I give this film a rating of 1 sack-full of gold Pippi coins. It was a pretty decent flick that would make a great drinking game.

Thanks for tuning in for another edition of Deans Black, White and Read Nights! I hope you enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with  me! Check out my previous reviews and be on the lookout for my next review, coming soon.

 

 If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com.

 

If you love the Gilmore girls, check out my Under the Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead, while making fun of lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow!

Also, if you are a fan of the Avatar: The Last Airbender animated series, give a listen to me and my son's podcast, TeamBoomeraangKickACast.BlogSpot.com .

#3- Rosemary's Baby

 

Rory: God! You're just standing there like Ruth Gordon with a tannis root. Make a noise or something.

Dean: Rosemary's Baby.

Rory: Yeah.

 

Aaaaaaahhhhh! Love this scene where Dean and Rory first meet. Big thanks to both of them for having this conversation, thereby requiring me to watch Rosemary's Baby. This is another one that I can't believe I've never seen before. Basically every good friend I have- all three of them-loves this movie. Curiouser and curiouser.

 

Well now I've seen it and I'm fully prepared to spread the love.

 

Rosemary's Baby was originally a book written by Ira Levin. It was adapted into a film directed by Roman Polanski and starring Mia Farrow, in 1968. It opened to rave reviews and got a big sloppy kiss from the public as well. It has since became a classic of pretty much epic proportions and is the go to movie for jokes referencing the devil's spawn.

 

A little Gilmore Girls trivia to start us off: Mia Farrow was also a star of TVs Peyton Place, one of the original American soaps that was set in a small New England town. Peyton Place is referenced in the Gilmore girls Season 1 episode entitled, Kill Me Now. I call that, six degrees of Gilmore; )

What struck me most about this movie right out of the gate was how very much I want to have sex with 20 - something Mia Farrow. If I could have a time machine for just one trip through time, I would use it solely in hopes of achieving that goal. That's right, with such an amazing opportunity I wouldn't stop the JFK assassination,  or visit the dinosaurs, or even catch a drive-in viewing of Back to the Future on opening night. I would squander it on the one in a million chance I could convince that amazingly gorgeous  and- as Paramount Pictures exec Robert Evans puts it in the DVD commentary- slightly left of center, woman that she should sleep with the dorky tattooed guy from the future.

 

 

 

After fantasizing about all this for a bit, I began to appreciate all the other awesomeness this film has to offer.

 

Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse live in New York City. They are in search of new digs. For whatever reason they decide it would be a killer idea to move in to the creepiest fucking apartment imaginable. A long skinny hall that makes me feel like I'm trapped in the Star Wars trash compactor runs the length of the place. The entire apartment is dark, drab, dated and smells like old lady and herbs. There is a large wardrobe blocking a spooky - ass closet.  Wow. On top of all this, their good friend Hutch tells them about a slew of murders and unexplained deaths that have happened in the Branford building over the past several decades.

 

Unfettered, they move in and proceed to spend a ton of time and money modernizing the joint. They lighten up the paint and wall paper and it actually looks nice and only slightly creepy.

Rosemary meets a young woman named Terry in the dungeon - like basement laundry room. They hit it off and Terry tells Rosemary that the Castevetes' - an ancient couple upstairs- took her off the streets and helped her kick drugs. And oh yeah, they also gave her a stinky "good luck" charm necklace.

 

 

 

Terry seems a bit wierd to me, but no need to worry, she turns up as a bag of guts on the sidewalk in front of the building just a bit later. Mr. Castevetes  seems mildly annoyed by this development, though Mrs. Castevetes  is unconvincingly upset.

 

Soon, the nosey old bat down the hall- none other than Mrs. Minnie Castevetes- barges in on Rosemary, making herself at home and asking all kinds of questions. She invites Rosemary and Guy to dinner and Rosemary reluctantly agrees. Guy, who is a struggling  actor, btw, is frustrated at his inability to land a job, and does NOT want to go to the dinner. After he huffs and puffs like a total dick, he concedes.

 

At dinner, the old folks act like stereotypical old folks. Minnie worries over every course and Roman lists all the places he's been and repeats himself incessantly. He also makes a pointed comment about Guy needing that "big break" to get him started.

 

After the dinner pow-wow, Guy falls in bro- love with Roman and can't seem to get enough of the old codger. He heads over the next night, and basically every night after for, well, forever! Rosemary expresses her creepedoutedness over this sitch, and over the ancient couple in general, but her once doting husband has turned into a typical 1950s male and stomps around putting his foot down.

Rosemary desperately wants to have a baby. The happy couple have been trying, to no avail.

Minnie gives Rosemary the pendant that was Terry's. She tells Rosemary that the stinch is a plant called tannis root. Rosemary doesn't wear it.

 

 

 

Hubby's job prospects are looking grim, as he gets passed over for another role... until he gets the call from his agent informing him that the guy who got the role is...wait for it....going blind. Guy is clearly upset by this news and keeps repeating how much he hates to get the part that way. His chagrin is short-lived as the role begins to consume his life. He is working until all hours and distracted when he's home. He becomes progressively self-involved and short-tempered.

Rosemary addresses the issue and hubby comes around. They decide to have some alone time and try to make a baby. Their romantic night is short-lived when the old folks drop off a dessert which Rosemary finds distasteful but hubby demands she eat. After consuming about half of it (and dumping the rest behind hubby's back), Rosemary passes out.

 

This is when the flick really gets good n crazy! Rosemary has a vivid "dream" about a menataur-type dude having sex with her while a group of old folks stand around them chanting. The Castevetes' are there, as well as hubby. Hubby says, "she's awake" but the old hag tells him she can't be if she ate the mouse. Minnie refers to the mousse dessert as the mouse, fyi.

This sex scene is pretty revealing, especially for a big box office film made in the early sixties. In the interview with Mia Farrow in the film's extras, Mia says she was a little skeptical about taking the role because of the nude scene.

 

The next morning, Rosemary awakes to find scratches all over her. Guy laughs as he tells her he's already trimmed his nails. Her repulsion at this implication is obvious even to Captain Oblivious. Guy says he didn't want to miss their window of opportunity to conceive- which he has marked on the calendar- so he had sex with her unconscious body. Ick.

 

 

 

Rosemary does become pregnant from this encounter, and begins seeing a baby doc named Dr. Hill. The Castevetes' immediately demand that Rosemary see Dr. Sapirstein, who is apparently all the rage in baby-makin' circles. Guy, like a good little lap dog, agrees.

 

 

 

Dr. Saperstein's first order of business is to direct Rosemary to have a nummy-nummy tannis root shake a-day from Minnie, because those new-fangled vitamin pills are no good. Seems legit.

Rosemary has horrible abdominal cramps and craves raw meat and blood throughout the first few months of her pregnancy. Dr. Frankenstein decrees that the pains will go away, and he sticks to this shtick as the cramps persist. Rosemary quickly wastes away to a pasty, shriveled - up skeleton that a zombie would turn up its nose to.

 

 

 

In an effort to feel like herself again, Rosemary gets an even shorter haircut. Guy shows his deep affection and sympathy by making fun of the do every chance he gets.

 

Hutch is so upset by Rosemary's delapidated appearance that he begins researching tannis root and the Castevetes. After a mysterious call for Rosemary to meet him one day, he falls into a coma before she can. A couple of months later Hutch dies, bequeathing a book of witchcraft to Rosemary. The book comes with the mysterious message that the title is an anagram.

 

Using her trusty Scrabble set, Rosemary deduces that Roman is actually Steven Marcato, the son of a Satan worshipper and Branford resident psychopathic murderer. Rosemary goes all Nancy Drew and decides the Castevetes' and Dr. Jeckyl are engaged in a plot to steal her baby for some kind of demonic ritual.

 

Rosemary tries to confide in Guy but he belittles her yet again and throws away her book. She figures that Guy is helping the bad guys in exchange for a break in his acting career.

 

Naturally she freaks the fuck out and does the only thing she can think to do....goes to Dr. Hill for help. Why not her friends, you might ask yourself. Why a doctor she saw a couple of times several months ago? Well dear readers, only Roman Polanski knows the answer.

 

Dr. Hill sells Rosemary down the river. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Guy come to collect her. At this point  Dr. Jeckyl takes off the gloves and hits Rosemary with a big dose of truth: If she doesn't chill the fuck out she's gonna get locked up in a looney bin.

 

They bring Rosemary home where she tries to escape by locking herself in the apartment. The genius plan fails and soon they are sedating her as she goes into labor. When she wakes they tell her the baby has died.

 

The creepy - ass tenants of Bamford have Rosemary on 24-hour lock-down. She is kept under constant supervision and not allowed out of bed. Upon hearing a baby crying, she sneaks out to investigate. A little more sleuthing leads her to the spooky closet, which has has a secret door into the Casevetes apartment.

 

 

 

Rosemary grabs a huge - ass knife and heads in. She finds a slew of old folks and Guy, chit-chatting around a black - veiled cradle. Everyone stares at her in silence as she makes her way to the cradle. Her eyes bulge out in terror as she sees the devil - spawn of her loins. Guy tells her they can move on and have another baby, at which point she spits in his face and I applaud.

 

 

 

Roman tells Rosemary that she can be the baby's mother and that she SHOULD be. She stares down at the child- Adrian- and her look of fear morphs into a smile as she rocks him gently in the cradle.

 

Roll credits.

 

I must say that I greatly enjoyed watching a film made in a time in cinematic history when a "happy ending" wasn't a given, and wasn't black and white. The idea that movies should always be resolved in a way that makes the audience happy is just another manifestation of the thought that everyone should get a participation medal or that we need a pre-school graduation ceremony. It's refreshing to watch a movie with an air of mystery to it.

 

I enjoyed Rosemary's Baby very much and give it my highest Pippi-rating of a cave full of Pippi coins. Highly recommend this film to anyone not too squeamish or uptight to appreciate a flick a bit off the beaten path.

 

On a side note I'd like to give a shout-out to Mia Farrow for standing her ground against her whacked-out hubby at the time of filming.  She was married to none other than Frank Sinatra. Franky wanted her to star in a film with him that had a shooting schedule which would overlap with that of Rosemary's baby. He demanded she leave Rosemary's Baby after three months of filming, but she refused. He had her served with divorce papers right in the middle of a scene. She signed them and went on with the scene as if nothing had happened. Great job, Mia!

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with  me! Check out my previous reviews and be on the lookout for UP NEXT- Mommie Dearest

 

 

If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com.

 

If you love the Gilmore girls, check out my Under the Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead, while making fun of lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow!