Wednesday, April 6, 2016

#7- The Dukes of Hazzard










Thanks for joining me for another addition of Dean's Black, White & Read Nights! I have challenged myself to watch every movie referenced in the Gilmore girls. Through this blog, I discuss each of the films in the order they appeared on the show. Since I'm not nearly intellectual enough to take on Rory's reading challenge, and I enjoy making fun of, well, pretty much everything and everyone, I figured this would be right up my alley. Enjoy!


Lorelai: I look like that chick from the Dukes of Hazzard!

This reference came in the first season of our favorite show, back in 2000. It was clearly refering to the classic television series and not the movie, which wasn't released until 2005. Let me begin by stating emphatically that I love the television series even more than I love Jessica Simpson. I spent countless hours as a kid, sitting cross-legged on the floor, my face plastered mere inches in front of my Grandma C's big ol' console TV, yee-hawing as Bo and Luke miraculously survived every creek ramping, and hiding every one of my thousand Daisy Duke inspired erections.

Mega-fan of the TV series as I was, of course I felt some curiosity about the film, and looked forward to the magical experience of witnessing Jessica writhing atop the iconic General Lee whilst clad in the tiniest of bikinis. So I took this opportunity to watch the movie.

Coming off the Hunchback for my last review, a corny, whacky, car chase flick that includes a half-naked Jessica Simpson, was just what I needed.

Disclaimer from the film: Crude & drug related humor.

Disclaimer from this review: See above, plus lots of profanity and way too many pictures of and references to a half-naked Jessica Simpson.

There's no way a super fan can watch this flick without comparing it the TV series; so I decided to make a classic Rory-style pro/con list. One small adjustment, though. My list is divided into Good Shit and Bad Shit. Here we go.

BAD SHIT

The narrator is not Waylon Jennings. This let-down is compounded by the fact that the chosen narrator is so over-the-top cheesy it quickly becomes really tough to listen to him. Narration is a huge part of both the series and the film, so this totally blows.

Speaking of cheese.....wow. Rory could take the cheese produced in this one film and use it to top her world's largest pizza. While the TV series was indeed corny, it wasn't meant to be. The cheese just accidentally happened in what was intended to be a more dramatic show. This was an important quality that helped make the show so damn great, and which can't be easily reproduced. The Dukes movie has pushed everything over-the-top; the accents, Uncle Jesse, Rosco, the action. Everyone is over-acting to the point of OMG shut the fuck up already.

Running shine. OK, people. Get your fucking story straight: Jesse and the boys made an agreement with a judge that they'd never run shine again, in exchange for keeping the boys out of prison. This very idea forms the foundation for the entire fucking story! Yet in the movie, they are running shine.

Uncle Jesse. Two thumbs way down. The patriarch of the Duke brood was like a grandpa to me growing up. He was stoic, serious and no-nonsense. Uncle Jesse was the voice of reason. In the film Uncle Jesse is portrayed by Willie Nelson, who couldn't have been more wrong for the part. Way too hippie. Way too corny. Sorry Willie, but BLUCK!

Rosco P Coltrane. Uncle Jesse was too silly in the movie, and Rosco was too serious. Rosco needs to be a bumbling goofball, not a stoic asshole.

Boss Hogg. Nope. No. Nuh-uh. No. No. Nope. I can't even. Burt Reynolds? Seriously, casting?? WTF?

The doors on the General Lee- the boys neon orange Dodge Charger- OPEN! They make a joke of this later when Cooter tells them the doors are stuck shut. Damn it! The General is a fucking race car! The doors are supposed to be welded shut!

Daisy's jeep is missing the trademark eagle on the hood. Why?

No commercials. This would normally be a welcome change, but the Dukes would often go to commercials with a big cliff-hanger and a clever word from Waylon. I miss that.

Bo calls Luke, "Little Buddy." Again I say, nuh-uh. Rosco always called Boss his, "Little Fat Buddy."

GOOD SHIT

DAISY!


Ramping. Lots and lots of ramping the General over various shit including a fantastic, high-flying jump over a highway embankment that was so spectacular I YHOL'd (yee-hawed out loud).

Hood sliding. A classic move from the original series, the film included some great ones, plus a few cool bloopers.

DAISY! In the shortest shorts of all time.



The Boar's Nest. This redneck watering hole doubles as Boss' place of business. It is pulled off really well in the film.

Linda Carter is Uncle Jesse's girlfriend. Fucking Wonder Woman, people.

The General Lee's make-over. From beat-up clunker to bad-ass, iconic work of art, courtesy of Crazy Cooter. 

DAISY! Joking about how she's gonna have to shake her ass to get the boys out of jail...and then shaking it.


Bo's relationship with the General.

DAISY's absolutely perfect butt. I swear it has magical powers that make me not be able to breathe while staring directly at it. No worries, it's worth dying for.


The outtakes. Pure awesome. The dude who plays the Mayor has a blooper where he forgets his line and then says he keeps forgetting it because, "Every time, I look at her titties." Jessica's facial expression when she hears this is priceless.

Besides Daisy herself, my absolute favorite moment of the flick comes from the extras. In one segment the costume designers are discussing the creation of Daisy's short shorts. They spend several hilarious minutes explaining- in a totally serious manner where-in they actually use the word "equations"- how difficult an undertaking it was. I live for this kinda shit.

Also on the extras, Jessica tries (unconvincingly) to make us believe she "had no butt", when cast for the film. Rrrriiiiight.


The piece de resistance is the "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" video after the flick. This Jessica Simpson re-imagining of the song is sultry and sexy as hell. The video is a wet dream better than all the wet dreams I've had in my entire life crammed together. During this video, Jessica performs the most amazing car wash the world has ever seen. I may have watched it seven....ty, or eighty times. I only stopped when I became too dehydrated to continue.



My rating system, as always, is based on Pippi Longstocking. Pippi, adorable oddball that she is, would never want a standard 1-10 rating system. In light of this, I have opted for a system as follows:
1 Gold Pippi Coin= Pure crap

1 Sack of Gold Pippi Coins= Pretty Good

1 Treasure Chest of Gold Pippi Coins= Fantastic

1 Cave of Pippi Coins= Holy shit, this is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen!

In the end, I gave this flick a rating of a treasure chest full of Pippi coins- my second highest. If you can go into it without allowing all your fond memories from the much more excellent TV series to ruin it for you, there is some good fun to be had.

Thanks for tuning in for another edition of Deans Black, White & Read Nights! I hope you've enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with me! Check out my previous installments and be on the lookout for my review of Schindler's List coming soon.

If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com. I love to hear from you guys!

If you love the Gilmore girls, check out my Under the Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead, while making fun of lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow! Plus, we give you all the latest updates on the revival!

Also, if you are a fan of the Avatar: The Last Airbender animated series, give a listen to me and my son's podcast, TeamBoomeraangKickACast.BlogSpot.com .



You can also checkout my co-host's more intellectual Gilmore girls reading challenge here .

And remember..."He has a thing for you."

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

#6- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Lorelai: I think I see a hunchback up in that bell tower.

Damn you, Lorelai! When you thoughtlessly recited this line referring to the epicness of Chilton,  you must have know that I'd someday torture myself by watching the 1923 version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame .

If there remained a sliver of doubt as to my uncultured swineliness,  it was eradicated as I stood, mouth agape, basking in the realization that the Lon Chaney version of this film is silent. Yep; I'm a cultureless hoodlum. To make matters worse, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I should give the film a chance, I just could NOT get into it. I'm an artist, for fuck's sake! I enjoy a wide variety of artful indulgencies: visual arts, music, literature. And yet.....

So I decided to handle this situation the way Lorelai and Rory would have. ..with humor! If you'd like to read what The Hunchback of Notre Dame is actually about, checkout this link. If you'd like to share a laugh at my version of the story, read on!

A cool score of organs and other old timey music plays as the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris comes into view. The Festival of fools is underway. The crowd sings, " We love to dance, tra  la la!" An adult sasquatch kisses his mate as the unrestrained pleasure of the festival beats on.

Quasimodo, the disfigured hunchback of the cathedral, ponders silently, "What's that smell? Did I...was that me?" As he rings the bells he wonders once again at how he can hear little save the ringing of the bells.

Rushing to the roof's edge, he spits on passersby. "Ptooey. I speet on zeee people! Ptooey. Ptooey!"

Enter Mr. Fancy Pants, lying down in his regal carriage.  "I can't decide if I'd like a nap or not. Hark! What is all this frivolous happiness?"

Guy on the Steps leans James Dean style on the steps. "I wish I had a fair maiden to dance with. Not even the squat will kiss me. But my cape is so cool."

The Deacon wonders out onto the steps. " I wondereth  if they can tell I weareth no undies?"

Seeing Guy on the Steps manhandling a woman he declares, " Unhand her Guy on the Steps!"

Honest John enters stage left. "I have an evil plan, Steps Guy. Are you interested?"

"Call me Cape Guy and you've got a deal."

Whisper, whisper.

Quasimodo exclaims, "I also love to dance- high atop this building. Why use the stairs to get to the street? Gymnastics on the gargoyles is much more fun!" Quasimodo flips and leaps the several stories down.

The crowd proclaims, "It's a bird."

"It's a plane."

"What the hell is a plane?"

"What the hell is that thing?"

Honest John and Cape guy continue whispering. Honest John sells Cape Guy a nice used watch.
Quasimodo reaches the street. He approaches HJ. Honest John waves a hand and says, "I can smell that." 

"Sorry," Quasimodo responds sheepishly.

Esmeralda enters with a smile. "Aaahh, thank you all for adoring me and my beauty. You're so sweet."

The Dungeon wench screams, " daughter, is that you?"

Esmeralda replies, " Ewww. You stink."

Mother - daughter flashback. Mommy leans over her young daughter with a necklace, "My daughter, this is the Auryn. Remember my name and keep both close to your heart."

Thieves bust in. "Look, it's the Auryn!" "Cool, take it."

"It won't come off."

"Take the kid!"

Back in the present, a poet composes his Ode to the Skeletons. "You're bony and hard, and you're pits they do wreak..."

Quasimodo enters wearing a crown. The poet compliments his fabulousness. Esmeralda returns. "Yes, I'm back. Cheer for me again. Look at me dancing with this jiggly circle."

The King thinks, "I wish I could score some more of that white powder from Esmeralda  "
Captain Hook approaches the King. "I live to serve...well, my hair, but you're a close second, Majesty."

Quasimodo is soothed by Esmeralda ' dancing. Esmeralda exclaims, "Don't look at me. Your ugliness may turn me ugly!"

Minnie Mouse comes in, happy to be cross stitching. Captain Hook nibbles her fingers as she works. Then Minnie Mouse notices the most beautiful goat she's ever seen. "That nanny must be mine! I will feast on its blood!" Captain Hook licks his lips a little too vehemently, as he sees the goat.

The crowd sings:

Wow this is boring
So very very boring
So very very
Very very
Very very booooooring!

Captain hook and Esmeralda ride off together, and he asks, " So, is the nanny down this way, then?"

"Why yes. Yes she is."

"Have I ever told you of my first love?" asks CH.

"Why...no."

"She was perfect. Covered in the silkiest fur.  Not like your. ...bare skin. Ick!" He pulls the shirt off her shoulder, noticing the Auryn.

Esmeralda exclaims, "Yes, my mother gave it to me and I have had many adventures with it."
Captain Hook is lost in thought.

Back at the party, the poet admits to farting. A random guy walks up, expresses his hate for poetry and whacks the poet roughly in the head. The poet calls to Guy on the Steps for help. Guy slaps the poet. "Go away, poet....no wait...I heard you hate goats. To the gallows!"

Esmeralda exclaims, "Wait! Wait! I can prove this man loves goats! I have paintings!"

A bunch of other crap happens. Eventually Captain Hook steals the Auryn, and he and the goat run off together to Fantasia.

Oh yeah, and Quasimodo dies as he's ringing his own death toll.

Blessed be, it's over!

Pippi ain't touching this one.

I truly wish I was cultured enough to appreciate this flick, but I'm not.

Hope you've enjoyed this edition! Check back soon for my review of a much "better" movie, The Dukes of Hazzard. Wow, I am really pathetic.

Don't forget, I co-host a Gilmore girls podcast entitled Under the Floorboards. Check us out for more fun from Stars Hollow, and updates on all the latest from the revival front!

You can also checkout my co-host's more intellectual Gilmore girls reading challenge here .

And remember..."He has a thing for you."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

#5- Alice in Wonderland



Rory: I remember it being smaller.
Lorelai: Yeah! And less...
Rory: ....off with their heads.
Lorelai: Yeah!

Eat me.

Probably the best line in cinematic history.

Disney's Alice in Wonderland has been re-made, re-imagined, re-vamped and re-invented so many times that I was tempted to compile a list; but then something shiny skittered by so I moved on. Walt's version is still my hands-down favorite, beating out even Tim Burton's attempt. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the Disney and Burton versions are the only adaptations of Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland  and  Through the Looking Glass, that even come close to doing justice to those amazing books.

Walt Disney personally worked on this film over a grueling period of more than twenty years! He went through three directors, thirteen screenplay writers and dozens of songs before the film was finally released in 1951. Apparently, he still wasn't happy with even the finished product, and the film opened to less than stellar reviews and box office success.

The drug-culture of the 1970's led to a renewed interest in the film. Imagine smoking a fat one while singing along to "forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the race!" BIG. FUN. Subsequently, Alice was re-released in 1974, and again in 1981. The flick is now almost unanimously praised as one of Disney's greatest films and arguably the best adaptation of the books.



The movie follows Alice as she daydreams instead of studying, follow the white rabbit down his...uh-hum....hole, and has many whacky adventures filled with NONSENSE. Nonsense is a coomon theme of the books, as well as the Disney film. Alice begins by explaining that "her world" would be nothing but nonsense. Even the way in which she say's the word- so casual, so blasé,- is like a kick in the balls to that notion that is in itself utter nonsense: growing up.

Nonsense is a word adults love to use to put down youth and those who enjoy it. It describes an idea that scares "grown-ups". That which can not be explained, planned, rationalized. As Alice puts it, "What it is, it wouldn't be. And contrary-wise, what it wouldn't be, it would." I strive to live a life as full of nonsense as possible.

Alice is faced with many choices throughout the film, usually in the form of whether or not to eat or drink something. Typically against her own good advice, she keeps making the same choices over and over again, which never seem to help her, and often land her in trouble.

Alice inevitably takes me back to my 8-year-old self, sitting cross-legged on my grandma's living room floor, smiling wide-eyed at her ancient beast of a television set, dreaming of my own adventures. Thirty-one years later, it still doesn't disappoint.

The young girl in her iconic blue dress with white apron, chases that damn white-rabbit all over Wonderland. She encounters a cast of outrageously awesome inventions of Lewis Carroll's brilliant (if not warped) mind, including the Tweedle twins, the Cheshire Cat, the Mad Hatter, the smoking Caterpillar and the Red Queen. Each one offers us a unique and hilarious glimpse into a world of utter nonsense.

Even as an adult I am confused by the themes of the story. We see Alice make every bad choice imaginable, but I've always felt that we- the readers/ viewers- are supposed to learn some kind of moral lesson. If this is the case, it's lost on me, because Alice's adventure looks like too much fun!

If it still needs to be said, I highly recommend this flick to anyone who's been in a cave for forty years and hasn't seen it. A cave full of gold Pippi coins!

Hope you've enjoyed this edition! Check back soon for my review of the first bad movie I've had to watch on this challenge, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Don't forget, I co-host a Gilmore girls podcast entitled Under the Floorboards. Check us out for more fun from Stars Hollow!

You can also checkout my co-host's more intellectual Gilmore girls reading challenge here .