#3- Rosemary's Baby

 

Rory: God! You're just standing there like Ruth Gordon with a tannis root. Make a noise or something.

Dean: Rosemary's Baby.

Rory: Yeah.

 

Aaaaaaahhhhh! Love this scene where Dean and Rory first meet. Big thanks to both of them for having this conversation, thereby requiring me to watch Rosemary's Baby. This is another one that I can't believe I've never seen before. Basically every good friend I have- all three of them-loves this movie. Curiouser and curiouser.

 

Well now I've seen it and I'm fully prepared to spread the love.

 

Rosemary's Baby was originally a book written by Ira Levin. It was adapted into a film directed by Roman Polanski and starring Mia Farrow, in 1968. It opened to rave reviews and got a big sloppy kiss from the public as well. It has since became a classic of pretty much epic proportions and is the go to movie for jokes referencing the devil's spawn.

 

A little Gilmore Girls trivia to start us off: Mia Farrow was also a star of TVs Peyton Place, one of the original American soaps that was set in a small New England town. Peyton Place is referenced in the Gilmore girls Season 1 episode entitled, Kill Me Now. I call that, six degrees of Gilmore; )

What struck me most about this movie right out of the gate was how very much I want to have sex with 20 - something Mia Farrow. If I could have a time machine for just one trip through time, I would use it solely in hopes of achieving that goal. That's right, with such an amazing opportunity I wouldn't stop the JFK assassination,  or visit the dinosaurs, or even catch a drive-in viewing of Back to the Future on opening night. I would squander it on the one in a million chance I could convince that amazingly gorgeous  and- as Paramount Pictures exec Robert Evans puts it in the DVD commentary- slightly left of center, woman that she should sleep with the dorky tattooed guy from the future.

 

 

 

After fantasizing about all this for a bit, I began to appreciate all the other awesomeness this film has to offer.

 

Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse live in New York City. They are in search of new digs. For whatever reason they decide it would be a killer idea to move in to the creepiest fucking apartment imaginable. A long skinny hall that makes me feel like I'm trapped in the Star Wars trash compactor runs the length of the place. The entire apartment is dark, drab, dated and smells like old lady and herbs. There is a large wardrobe blocking a spooky - ass closet.  Wow. On top of all this, their good friend Hutch tells them about a slew of murders and unexplained deaths that have happened in the Branford building over the past several decades.

 

Unfettered, they move in and proceed to spend a ton of time and money modernizing the joint. They lighten up the paint and wall paper and it actually looks nice and only slightly creepy.

Rosemary meets a young woman named Terry in the dungeon - like basement laundry room. They hit it off and Terry tells Rosemary that the Castevetes' - an ancient couple upstairs- took her off the streets and helped her kick drugs. And oh yeah, they also gave her a stinky "good luck" charm necklace.

 

 

 

Terry seems a bit wierd to me, but no need to worry, she turns up as a bag of guts on the sidewalk in front of the building just a bit later. Mr. Castevetes  seems mildly annoyed by this development, though Mrs. Castevetes  is unconvincingly upset.

 

Soon, the nosey old bat down the hall- none other than Mrs. Minnie Castevetes- barges in on Rosemary, making herself at home and asking all kinds of questions. She invites Rosemary and Guy to dinner and Rosemary reluctantly agrees. Guy, who is a struggling  actor, btw, is frustrated at his inability to land a job, and does NOT want to go to the dinner. After he huffs and puffs like a total dick, he concedes.

 

At dinner, the old folks act like stereotypical old folks. Minnie worries over every course and Roman lists all the places he's been and repeats himself incessantly. He also makes a pointed comment about Guy needing that "big break" to get him started.

 

After the dinner pow-wow, Guy falls in bro- love with Roman and can't seem to get enough of the old codger. He heads over the next night, and basically every night after for, well, forever! Rosemary expresses her creepedoutedness over this sitch, and over the ancient couple in general, but her once doting husband has turned into a typical 1950s male and stomps around putting his foot down.

Rosemary desperately wants to have a baby. The happy couple have been trying, to no avail.

Minnie gives Rosemary the pendant that was Terry's. She tells Rosemary that the stinch is a plant called tannis root. Rosemary doesn't wear it.

 

 

 

Hubby's job prospects are looking grim, as he gets passed over for another role... until he gets the call from his agent informing him that the guy who got the role is...wait for it....going blind. Guy is clearly upset by this news and keeps repeating how much he hates to get the part that way. His chagrin is short-lived as the role begins to consume his life. He is working until all hours and distracted when he's home. He becomes progressively self-involved and short-tempered.

Rosemary addresses the issue and hubby comes around. They decide to have some alone time and try to make a baby. Their romantic night is short-lived when the old folks drop off a dessert which Rosemary finds distasteful but hubby demands she eat. After consuming about half of it (and dumping the rest behind hubby's back), Rosemary passes out.

 

This is when the flick really gets good n crazy! Rosemary has a vivid "dream" about a menataur-type dude having sex with her while a group of old folks stand around them chanting. The Castevetes' are there, as well as hubby. Hubby says, "she's awake" but the old hag tells him she can't be if she ate the mouse. Minnie refers to the mousse dessert as the mouse, fyi.

This sex scene is pretty revealing, especially for a big box office film made in the early sixties. In the interview with Mia Farrow in the film's extras, Mia says she was a little skeptical about taking the role because of the nude scene.

 

The next morning, Rosemary awakes to find scratches all over her. Guy laughs as he tells her he's already trimmed his nails. Her repulsion at this implication is obvious even to Captain Oblivious. Guy says he didn't want to miss their window of opportunity to conceive- which he has marked on the calendar- so he had sex with her unconscious body. Ick.

 

 

 

Rosemary does become pregnant from this encounter, and begins seeing a baby doc named Dr. Hill. The Castevetes' immediately demand that Rosemary see Dr. Sapirstein, who is apparently all the rage in baby-makin' circles. Guy, like a good little lap dog, agrees.

 

 

 

Dr. Saperstein's first order of business is to direct Rosemary to have a nummy-nummy tannis root shake a-day from Minnie, because those new-fangled vitamin pills are no good. Seems legit.

Rosemary has horrible abdominal cramps and craves raw meat and blood throughout the first few months of her pregnancy. Dr. Frankenstein decrees that the pains will go away, and he sticks to this shtick as the cramps persist. Rosemary quickly wastes away to a pasty, shriveled - up skeleton that a zombie would turn up its nose to.

 

 

 

In an effort to feel like herself again, Rosemary gets an even shorter haircut. Guy shows his deep affection and sympathy by making fun of the do every chance he gets.

 

Hutch is so upset by Rosemary's delapidated appearance that he begins researching tannis root and the Castevetes. After a mysterious call for Rosemary to meet him one day, he falls into a coma before she can. A couple of months later Hutch dies, bequeathing a book of witchcraft to Rosemary. The book comes with the mysterious message that the title is an anagram.

 

Using her trusty Scrabble set, Rosemary deduces that Roman is actually Steven Marcato, the son of a Satan worshipper and Branford resident psychopathic murderer. Rosemary goes all Nancy Drew and decides the Castevetes' and Dr. Jeckyl are engaged in a plot to steal her baby for some kind of demonic ritual.

 

Rosemary tries to confide in Guy but he belittles her yet again and throws away her book. She figures that Guy is helping the bad guys in exchange for a break in his acting career.

 

Naturally she freaks the fuck out and does the only thing she can think to do....goes to Dr. Hill for help. Why not her friends, you might ask yourself. Why a doctor she saw a couple of times several months ago? Well dear readers, only Roman Polanski knows the answer.

 

Dr. Hill sells Rosemary down the river. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Guy come to collect her. At this point  Dr. Jeckyl takes off the gloves and hits Rosemary with a big dose of truth: If she doesn't chill the fuck out she's gonna get locked up in a looney bin.

 

They bring Rosemary home where she tries to escape by locking herself in the apartment. The genius plan fails and soon they are sedating her as she goes into labor. When she wakes they tell her the baby has died.

 

The creepy - ass tenants of Bamford have Rosemary on 24-hour lock-down. She is kept under constant supervision and not allowed out of bed. Upon hearing a baby crying, she sneaks out to investigate. A little more sleuthing leads her to the spooky closet, which has has a secret door into the Casevetes apartment.

 

 

 

Rosemary grabs a huge - ass knife and heads in. She finds a slew of old folks and Guy, chit-chatting around a black - veiled cradle. Everyone stares at her in silence as she makes her way to the cradle. Her eyes bulge out in terror as she sees the devil - spawn of her loins. Guy tells her they can move on and have another baby, at which point she spits in his face and I applaud.

 

 

 

Roman tells Rosemary that she can be the baby's mother and that she SHOULD be. She stares down at the child- Adrian- and her look of fear morphs into a smile as she rocks him gently in the cradle.

 

Roll credits.

 

I must say that I greatly enjoyed watching a film made in a time in cinematic history when a "happy ending" wasn't a given, and wasn't black and white. The idea that movies should always be resolved in a way that makes the audience happy is just another manifestation of the thought that everyone should get a participation medal or that we need a pre-school graduation ceremony. It's refreshing to watch a movie with an air of mystery to it.

 

I enjoyed Rosemary's Baby very much and give it my highest Pippi-rating of a cave full of Pippi coins. Highly recommend this film to anyone not too squeamish or uptight to appreciate a flick a bit off the beaten path.

 

On a side note I'd like to give a shout-out to Mia Farrow for standing her ground against her whacked-out hubby at the time of filming.  She was married to none other than Frank Sinatra. Franky wanted her to star in a film with him that had a shooting schedule which would overlap with that of Rosemary's baby. He demanded she leave Rosemary's Baby after three months of filming, but she refused. He had her served with divorce papers right in the middle of a scene. She signed them and went on with the scene as if nothing had happened. Great job, Mia!

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with  me! Check out my previous reviews and be on the lookout for UP NEXT- Mommie Dearest

 

 

If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com.

 

If you love the Gilmore girls, check out my Under the Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead, while making fun of lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow!

 

#2- Moulin Rouge

I added Moulin Rouge to my roster because of the reference Lorelai makes to Zsa Zsa Gabor in S1, E1-  the Pilot. Sookie asks Lorelai where her pate is, and Lorelai responds, "At Zsa Zsa Gabor's house." Having never seen a Zsa Zsa film before, I began searching the wild and wonderful interwebs. It became immediately clear that I would be in for a cheese-alicious treat. After reading several synopsis' (or is it synopsi?), I settled on two films: The Queen of Outer Space, and Moulin Rouge.

The Queen of Outer Space looks absolutely awful, but in a great B-movie kinda way, so it was my first choice. Moulin Rouge, being the story of Toulouse-Lautrec, appealed to the artist in me. I requested both films from the library, and decided to go with whichever arrived first. Moulin Rouge was the winner. Hooray.

Watching Moulin Rouge I found myself reminiscing of Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you haven't ever seen MST3000- though my brain can't comprehend a world where that's possible- it's essentially a TV show that revolves around a dude and his robot buddies watching the world's worst movies...in space. Together they mercilessly make fun of these movies, which are typically so bad they're kinda good. Moulin Rouge fits nicely into this genre, so I'll use my own extremely limited public forum to mock it.

Moulin Rouge was released in 1952. It was directed by John Huston and stars Jose Ferrer as the over-acting, super-serious, Frankenstein-stiff Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. Zsa Zsa Gabor is listed as "Starring", but she in fact has an incredibly small role. The film attempts to tell the story of Lautrec's adult life, immersed in the bohemian Sub-culture of Paris, in and around the Moulin Rouge nightclub. I didn't know much about this artist, so I figured it would be fun to watch this flick just from an artist's point of view. Little did I know the train wreck I was in for.

Apparently the film opened to critical and box-office success, but I gotta tell y'all, I don't get it.

Paris, 1890. Crowds of well-dressed hoodlums make their way into the Moulin Rouge nightclub. Two crazy-ass dancing girls take center stage. By center stage, I mean the entire fucking room; and by crazy-ass, I mean butt-fucking ugly, wild banshees. I enjoy burlesque, but I don't claim to know a ton about it. I think those are the exact words the director muttered before telling the make-up people what to do. And the costume people. And the set-designers, actors, cameramen... Every single dancer looks as if they are made-up as zombie-clowns for Halloween. If everyone in the Thriller video did a bunch of LSD, then picked out their own costumes and did their own make-up, they still would have looked better than the actors in Moulin Rouge.

Adding to the creep-out factor is the wide-eyed weirdo with a ridiculously over-the-top hook nose designed to serve as the literal inspiration for a figure in one of Lautrec's famous posters.

Henri is sketching and drinking...a lot. In one of my favorite exchanges in the film, Henri and a waitress have the following conversation:

W: Drinking too fast burns your stomach.
H: I'm thirsty.
W: Wine is for thirst.
H: Glad you didn't say water. Water is for Americans.

Henri goes on to add that while some men are good at things like swinging from the flying trapeze, he is good at drinking cognac. Maurice Joyant, the club owner, comments that the sketch would make a great poster, and offers Henri free drinks for a month for it. Jane Avril, played by Zsa Zsa, makes her first appearance here. She's portrayed as a slutty singer looking for love in a rich-dude package. She sings a never-ending song adorned in a sliced truffle hat with pom-poms that would make Pennywise the clown say, "Damn!"

This song made me need to listen to lots of great music immediately to cleanse my defiled eardrums.

It won't end.

Still going.

Holy shit.

"I'd rather...slide down a banister made of razorblades, into a pool of alcohol, than..." continue listening to this song.

Fortunately Zsa Zsa is gorgeous and I love her accent. Probably my favorite line in the entire film comes from her when she says to Lautrec, " Oh Henri, why couldn't you be tall and handsome?"

The dudes in the club continue to be whipped into a frenzy by the high-steppin', lower-leg twitchin', petti-coats showin', hootin-n-a-hollerin, clown-faced chicks. One fella is blowin' kisses like a mofo, so frantically his head seems about to burst.

After the club closes and the crowds disperse, Henri stands to reveal his 4'6" stature. He limps with a cane as he exits. On his walk home, a somewhat confusing flashback sequence crappily attempts to explain how Henri came to be in his present condition. Henri's father explains to little-boy Henri why the Lautrec's are so fricking awesome. Through a cheesy montage, we see that Henri loves to draw, and that he and his pops are buddies.

One day Henri rushes to greet his dad as he's returning home...and he falls down the stairs in one of the worst stunt scenes of all time. Ed Wood would have re-shot this crap. C'mon!

It is revealed- in the most confusing way possible- that Henri's bones won't heel properly because of a genetic condition resulting from his parents being first cousins. This may shock some of the more squeamish viewers out there, but I'm from central Ohio folks. This shit is par for the course! Pop leaves Moms because he doesn't want to be tempted to create any more little Henri's or Henrietta's.

Henri retreats into his art. He also continues to spend time with his childhood friend, a young girl he used to ride horses with. This prize peach of a human being later beats Henri down by not only refusing his proposal, but calling him an "ugly little monster", and claiming that no woman will ever want him. He eventually heads off to Paris in despair, to be a painter.

How cool would it be to have the option of running off to Paris to be a painter? Answer: Very fucking cool!

Back to the present day. Marie Charlet, a Paris streetwalker latches on to Henri after he rescues her from a police man by pretending to be her guardian. Back at Henri's place, Marie immediately pisses Henri off by talking straightforwardly about his short stature. She then orgasm's at the thought of using his bathtub. Henri is such a lonely bastard that he falls hopelessly in love with her before their first meeting is ended.

Marie plays him like a dime-store fiddle, wrangling cash and clothes until she calls him a freak one too many times and storms out. Henri pulls up his big-boy britches, gathers the tattered remains of his self-respect, and refuses to let Marie in when she comes crawling back. He then falls into a deep depression and wastes away on booze and total isolation.

Eventually Henri's mommy comes to give him the worst advice of all time...go find Marie and bring her back. Lautrec tracks her down in a slum bar, where she admits to not only playing him, but to bringing the money back to her pimp/boyfriend. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Since that bombshell wasn't harsh enough, she adds salt to the wound by telling Henri that his touch sickened her.

Newly devastated, Lautrec heads home, locks the doors and turns on the gas. In a fit of suicidal inspiration, he begins working on his Moulin Rouge painting again. Indifferently, he turns off the gas between brush strokes.

The Moulin Rouge owner loves the painting, so Lautrec begins work on the poster. In what I found to be the most interesting part of the flick, Henri mixes the inks himself at the printers, because they couldn't match his vivid colors.

After the posters are hung, the Moulin Rouge begins to attract a more sophisticated crowd. I have to admit that I'm curious about the historical accuracy of this bit....not enough so to do anything about it, but whatever. Even the crazy-ass dancers/brawlers become sophisticated in their own backwards way. For a while this seems to be great, but ultimately the freaks and misfits who made the club great no longer...well....fit in. Nearly all the old-school crowd, including the club owner, are bummed. Only Zsa Zsa is happy about this turn of events, feeling she is finally getting the attention she deserves. Thus we are treated to another excruciatingly lengthy tune from her. Yay.

Over the next ten years Lautrec and the club become increasingly popular, but Henri is lonely and constantly in pain. His pops denounces him as a pornographer. He tells the old man that he knows more about work than his dad, because his dad was a spoiled rich bitch who never had to work. He adds that he drink a bit more each day to forget the loneliness, ugliness and pain of his life.

One night Henri runs into a woman who looks as if she is about to throw herself into the Siene River. He attempts to dissuade her but she curtly promises she's not going to jump.

Later, at an exhibit of Henri's work, a woman is denouncing a painting as pornographic because a woman is depicted undressing in the presence of a man. Henri stumbles in drunkenly, informs his critique that the woman is in fact DRESSING in the presence of her husband, and shame on her for having her mind in the gutter. "I'll thank you to stop looking at my paintings." Best line in the movie.

Zsa Zsa later introduces Henri to the jumper- Myriamme Hyam (hereafter referred to as MH because I don't fancy typing Myriamme fifteen more times). Lautrec and MH begin to spend time together. Henri keeps her at a distance because he doesn't believe any woman can ever love him. At one point he drops this jewel of wisdom on her, "A wise woman never gives her love- she only lends it." He also tells her that one should never meet someone whose work they admire, because they can never live up to it.

Eventually MH tells Henri the story of why she was on the banks of the Siene that night. She was the mistress of some dude who I didn't care to take note of. She was throwing his key into the river, vowing to never see him again unless he left his wife. Ultimately he does leave his wife, and proposes to MH. She confronts Henri, all but admitting her love, and trying desperately to get him to admit that he loves her too. Henri refuses to admit it, comparing himself to the trained monkeys Spanish woman had by their sides, and stating that she had such control over the other dude that she could proclaim she loved mustache's and he would grow one, then claim she hated them and he would shave it off.

MH is crushed. She runs off to marry the other dude before Lautrec comes to his senses.

Henri sinks into the deepest depression yet, delving into Absynth until he collapses down another set of steps. Unable to heal from his wounds, he dies at his parents home, where his father admits he was wrong, and ghosts of the Moulin Rouge dancers and patrons whisp in to say goodbye.

Finally. It's over.

I am awarding Moulin Rouge 1 Gold Pippi Coin, which equals pure crap.  The worst part of this flick wasn't how bad it was. The worst was the fact that it was really, really, REALLY bad- but still not the worst I've ever seen. Not even in the top twenty. Moulin Rouge was essentially a highly forgettable, uninspired let-down of a film. I'd love to see a really well-done film version of Lautrec's life. Anybody know of one I could check out?

Thanks for joining me for the another edition of Dean’s Black, White & Read Nights! Hope you’ll tell your friends and come back again! If you'd like to leave me some feedback or ask questions, email me at LukesJamHands@gmail.com.

Next up….Rosemary’s Baby. (BTW...I originally stated that my second post would be my review of Rosemary's Baby, thus proving once again what a dumbass I am.)