Thanks for joining me for another addition of Dean's Black, White & Read Nights! I have challenged myself to watch every movie referenced in the
Gilmore girls. Through this blog, I discuss each of the films in the order they appeared on the show. Since I'm not nearly intellectual enough to take on Rory's reading challenge, and I enjoy making fun of, well, pretty much everything and everyone, I figured this would be right up my alley. Enjoy!
Lorelai: I look like that chick from the
Dukes of Hazzard!
This reference came in the first season of our favorite show, back in 2000. It was clearly refering to the classic television series and not the movie, which wasn't released until 2005. Let me begin by stating emphatically that I love the television series even more than I love Jessica Simpson. I spent countless hours as a kid, sitting cross-legged on the floor, my face plastered mere inches in front of my Grandma C's big ol' console TV, yee-hawing as Bo and Luke miraculously survived every creek ramping, and hiding every one of my thousand Daisy Duke inspired erections.
Mega-fan of the TV series as I was, of course I felt some curiosity about the film, and looked forward to the magical experience of witnessing Jessica writhing atop the iconic General Lee whilst clad in the tiniest of bikinis. So I took this opportunity to watch the movie.
Coming off the Hunchback for my last review, a corny, whacky, car chase flick that includes a half-naked Jessica Simpson, was just what I needed.
Disclaimer from the film: Crude & drug related humor.
Disclaimer from this review: See above, plus lots of profanity and way too many pictures of and references to a half-naked Jessica Simpson.
There's no way a super fan can watch this flick without comparing it the TV series; so I decided to make a classic Rory-style pro/con list. One small adjustment, though. My list is divided into Good Shit and Bad Shit. Here we go.
BAD SHIT
The narrator is not Waylon Jennings. This let-down is compounded by the fact that the chosen narrator is so over-the-top cheesy it quickly becomes really tough to listen to him. Narration is a huge part of both the series and the film, so this totally blows.
Speaking of cheese.....wow. Rory could take the cheese produced in this one film and use it to top her world's largest pizza. While the TV series was indeed corny, it wasn't meant to be. The cheese just accidentally happened in what was intended to be a more dramatic show. This was an important quality that helped make the show so damn great, and which can't be easily reproduced. The Dukes movie has pushed everything over-the-top; the accents, Uncle Jesse, Rosco, the action. Everyone is over-acting to the point of OMG shut the fuck up already.
Running shine. OK, people. Get your fucking story straight: Jesse and the boys made an agreement with a judge that they'd never run shine again, in exchange for keeping the boys out of prison. This very idea forms the foundation for the entire fucking story! Yet in the movie, they are running shine.
Uncle Jesse. Two thumbs way down. The patriarch of the Duke brood was like a grandpa to me growing up. He was stoic, serious and no-nonsense. Uncle Jesse was the voice of reason. In the film Uncle Jesse is portrayed by Willie Nelson, who couldn't have been more wrong for the part. Way too hippie. Way too corny. Sorry Willie, but BLUCK!
Rosco P Coltrane. Uncle Jesse was too silly in the movie, and Rosco was too serious. Rosco needs to be a bumbling goofball, not a stoic asshole.
Boss Hogg. Nope. No. Nuh-uh. No. No. Nope. I can't even. Burt Reynolds? Seriously, casting?? WTF?
The doors on the General Lee- the boys neon orange Dodge Charger- OPEN! They make a joke of this later when Cooter tells them the doors are stuck shut. Damn it! The General is a fucking race car! The doors are supposed to be welded shut!
Daisy's jeep is missing the trademark eagle on the hood. Why?
No commercials. This would normally be a welcome change, but the Dukes would often go to commercials with a big cliff-hanger and a clever word from Waylon. I miss that.
Bo calls Luke, "Little Buddy." Again I say, nuh-uh. Rosco always called Boss his, "Little Fat Buddy."
GOOD SHIT
DAISY!
Ramping. Lots and lots of ramping the General over various shit including a fantastic, high-flying jump over a highway embankment that was so spectacular I YHOL'd (yee-hawed out loud).
Hood sliding. A classic move from the original series, the film included some great ones, plus a few cool bloopers.
DAISY! In the shortest shorts of all time.
The Boar's Nest. This redneck watering hole doubles as Boss' place of business. It is pulled off really well in the film.
Linda Carter is Uncle Jesse's girlfriend. Fucking Wonder Woman, people.
The General Lee's make-over. From beat-up clunker to bad-ass, iconic work of art, courtesy of Crazy Cooter.
DAISY! Joking about how she's gonna have to shake her ass to get the boys out of jail...and then shaking it.
Bo's relationship with the General.
DAISY's absolutely perfect butt. I swear it has magical powers that make me not be able to breathe while staring directly at it. No worries, it's worth dying for.
The outtakes. Pure awesome. The dude who plays the Mayor has a blooper where he forgets his line and then says he keeps forgetting it because, "Every time, I look at her titties." Jessica's facial expression when she hears this is priceless.
Besides Daisy herself, my absolute favorite moment of the flick comes from the extras. In one segment the costume designers are discussing the creation of Daisy's short shorts. They spend several hilarious minutes explaining- in a totally serious manner where-in they actually use the word "equations"- how difficult an undertaking it was. I live for this kinda shit.
Also on the extras, Jessica tries (unconvincingly) to make us believe she "had no butt", when cast for the film. Rrrriiiiight.
The piece de resistance is the "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" video after the flick. This Jessica Simpson re-imagining of the song is sultry and sexy as hell. The video is a wet dream better than all the wet dreams I've had in my entire life crammed together. During this video, Jessica performs the most amazing car wash the world has ever seen. I may have watched it seven....ty, or eighty times. I only stopped when I became too dehydrated to continue.
My rating system, as always, is based on Pippi Longstocking. Pippi, adorable oddball that she is, would never want a standard
1-10 rating system. In light of this, I have opted for a system as follows:
1 Gold Pippi Coin= Pure crap
1 Sack of Gold Pippi Coins= Pretty Good
1 Treasure Chest of Gold Pippi Coins= Fantastic
1 Cave of Pippi Coins= Holy shit, this is one of
the best movies I’ve ever seen!
In the end, I gave this flick a rating of a treasure chest full of Pippi coins- my second highest. If you can go into it without allowing all your fond memories from the much more excellent TV series to ruin it for you, there is some good fun to be had.
Thanks for tuning in for another edition of Deans Black, White & Read
Nights! I hope you've enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with me!
Check out my previous installments and be on the lookout for my review of
Schindler's List coming
soon.
If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot
me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com. I love to hear from you guys!
If you love the
Gilmore girls, check out my
Under the
Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode
scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead, while making fun of
lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow! Plus, we give you all the latest updates on the revival!
You can also checkout my co-host's more intellectual Gilmore girls reading challenge
here .
And remember..."He has a thing for you."
