Tuesday, April 4, 2017

#10- Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire



Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire

Miss Patty: "Now walk smooth. That's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die, and there won't be anymore books."

Back in season one of the Gilmore girls, when this reference was made, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire was the newest book, so here we are.

Let me start by making a disclaimer: I love the Harry Potter series; both books and movies. The stories are fun and fantastic, the movies do a great job of capturing the essence of the books, and J.K.Rowling uses her power and wealth to help out many deserving charities. My son is a hug fan of the series as well, and it has been an awesome experience to watch him read and re-read the books, and to discuss them with him. We disagree on nearly every aspect of the story, which makes our conversations much more fun! The thing we debate most is the question of how many horcrux's there are. I say seven, siting the fact that the author herself has stated as much. My boy cites Hermione's argument in Deathly Hollows, as proof that Voldemort does not (neither himself or his soul) count as a horcrux, so there are only six. Any thoughts on this out there? Email me at LukesJamHands@gmail.com, or just comment on this blog post and let me know.

Goblet of Fire essentially revolves around the TriWizard Tournament, which is being held at Hogwarts this year. If you ask me, hosting the tournament sucks, because it means no quidditch for the whole school year. Blah. Other wizarding and witchcraft schools have been invited, and one champion will be selected from each. Dumbledore announces that students have to be of, "the Wizarding Age of Majority," (which is 17). Of course, Harry is chosen by the magic Goblet of Fire, despite having not put his name into it.

I'll let this fun meme serve as my review of the film:



Right?!?!?

I mean, seriously folks. The TriWizard Tournament would have been boring AF to "watch", but that's not my problem with this particular Harry Potter installment. My problem is that the whole fucking story is completely unnecessary! Think about this: Why didn't Voldemort just have dork-boy Barty Crouch, Jr.(or one of his other minions who wasn't in freaking Azkaban) turn one of Harry's textbooks into a portkey? Or his toothbrush? Or his damn Spiderman underoos? Any of these or a million other items could have been used, and any one of them would have been a better choice than a magic fucking cup that has to be won in a competition Harry isn't even old enough to compete in. There would have been no need for the impersonation of a Hogwart's professor (a highly dangerous proposition), cheating a magic system designed by Dumbledore (WTF?), and feeding Harry info so he could win the damn tournament. I guess it wouldn't have been too exciting to watch Harry get whisked away to battle ol' Saggy Robes Voldemort, after picking up his pencil one morning, but whatever.

Adding insult to injury, Robert Pattinson is cast in a prominent supporting role, and I'm firmly Team Jacob.  

To make me feel better, here's a picture of Hermione looking very pensive...




....I like to imagine she is trying to decide how to tell Ron she is running away with me.

Now then...here are a bunch of sexy pictures of Emma Watson....









My rating system, as always, is based on Pippi Longstocking. Pippi, adorable oddball that she is, would never want a standard 1-10 rating system. In light of this, I have opted for a system as follows:

1 Gold Pippi Coin= Pure crap

1 Sack of Gold Pippi Coins= Pretty Good

1 Treasure Chest of Gold Pippi Coins= Fantastic

1 Cave of Pippi Coins= Holy shit, I'm quitting my job, buying a family size bag of Doritos, and watching this movie on a constant loop. 

I gave this flick a rating of 1 Sack of Gold Pippi Coins
While I love all the Harry Potter films, this is one of my least favorite of the bunch, beating out only the Deathly Hollows.

Thanks for tuning in for another edition of Dean's Black, White & Read Nights! I hope you've
enjoyed this little romp through a great movie with me! Check out my previous installments and be on the lookout for my review of the cult classic, the Shining.

If you'd like to leave me feedback or ask a question, shoot me an email at LukesJamHands@gmail.com. I love to hear from you guys!

If you love the Gilmore girls, check out my Under the Floorboards podcast with my pal Elizabeth Allen. We review each episode scene-by-scene, following our tangents where they lead while making fun of lots of people in the process. Just like life in Stars Hollow! Plus, we give you all the latest updates on everything Gilmore!

Also, if you are a fan of  Avatar: The Last Airbender , the animated series, give a listen to me and my son's podcast, TeamBoomeraangKickACast.