Lorelai: I think I see a hunchback up in that bell tower.
Damn you, Lorelai! When you thoughtlessly recited this line referring to the epicness of Chilton, you must have know that I'd someday torture myself by watching the 1923 version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame .
If there remained a sliver of doubt as to my uncultured swineliness, it was eradicated as I stood, mouth agape, basking in the realization that the Lon Chaney version of this film is silent. Yep; I'm a cultureless hoodlum. To make matters worse, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I should give the film a chance, I just could NOT get into it. I'm an artist, for fuck's sake! I enjoy a wide variety of artful indulgencies: visual arts, music, literature. And yet.....
So I decided to handle this situation the way Lorelai and Rory would have. ..with humor! If you'd like to read what The Hunchback of Notre Dame is actually about, checkout this link. If you'd like to share a laugh at my version of the story, read on!
A cool score of organs and other old timey music plays as the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris comes into view. The Festival of fools is underway. The crowd sings, " We love to dance, tra la la!" An adult sasquatch kisses his mate as the unrestrained pleasure of the festival beats on.
Quasimodo, the disfigured hunchback of the cathedral, ponders silently, "What's that smell? Did I...was that me?" As he rings the bells he wonders once again at how he can hear little save the ringing of the bells.
Rushing to the roof's edge, he spits on passersby. "Ptooey. I speet on zeee people! Ptooey. Ptooey!"
Enter Mr. Fancy Pants, lying down in his regal carriage. "I can't decide if I'd like a nap or not. Hark! What is all this frivolous happiness?"
Guy on the Steps leans James Dean style on the steps. "I wish I had a fair maiden to dance with. Not even the squat will kiss me. But my cape is so cool."
The Deacon wonders out onto the steps. " I wondereth if they can tell I weareth no undies?"
Seeing Guy on the Steps manhandling a woman he declares, " Unhand her Guy on the Steps!"
Honest John enters stage left. "I have an evil plan, Steps Guy. Are you interested?"
"Call me Cape Guy and you've got a deal."
Whisper, whisper.
Quasimodo exclaims, "I also love to dance- high atop this building. Why use the stairs to get to the street? Gymnastics on the gargoyles is much more fun!" Quasimodo flips and leaps the several stories down.
The crowd proclaims, "It's a bird."
"It's a plane."
"What the hell is a plane?"
"What the hell is that thing?"
Honest John and Cape guy continue whispering. Honest John sells Cape Guy a nice used watch.
Quasimodo reaches the street. He approaches HJ. Honest John waves a hand and says, "I can smell that."
"Sorry," Quasimodo responds sheepishly.
Esmeralda enters with a smile. "Aaahh, thank you all for adoring me and my beauty. You're so sweet."
The Dungeon wench screams, " daughter, is that you?"
Esmeralda replies, " Ewww. You stink."
Mother - daughter flashback. Mommy leans over her young daughter with a necklace, "My daughter, this is the Auryn. Remember my name and keep both close to your heart."
Thieves bust in. "Look, it's the Auryn!" "Cool, take it."
"It won't come off."
"Take the kid!"
Back in the present, a poet composes his Ode to the Skeletons. "You're bony and hard, and you're pits they do wreak..."
Quasimodo enters wearing a crown. The poet compliments his fabulousness. Esmeralda returns. "Yes, I'm back. Cheer for me again. Look at me dancing with this jiggly circle."
The King thinks, "I wish I could score some more of that white powder from Esmeralda "
Captain Hook approaches the King. "I live to serve...well, my hair, but you're a close second, Majesty."
Quasimodo is soothed by Esmeralda ' dancing. Esmeralda exclaims, "Don't look at me. Your ugliness may turn me ugly!"
Minnie Mouse comes in, happy to be cross stitching. Captain Hook nibbles her fingers as she works. Then Minnie Mouse notices the most beautiful goat she's ever seen. "That nanny must be mine! I will feast on its blood!" Captain Hook licks his lips a little too vehemently, as he sees the goat.
The crowd sings:
Wow this is boring
So very very boring
So very very
Very very
Very very booooooring!
So very very boring
So very very
Very very
Very very booooooring!
Captain hook and Esmeralda ride off together, and he asks, " So, is the nanny down this way, then?"
"Why yes. Yes she is."
"Have I ever told you of my first love?" asks CH.
"Why...no."
"She was perfect. Covered in the silkiest fur. Not like your. ...bare skin. Ick!" He pulls the shirt off her shoulder, noticing the Auryn.
Esmeralda exclaims, "Yes, my mother gave it to me and I have had many adventures with it."
Captain Hook is lost in thought.
Back at the party, the poet admits to farting. A random guy walks up, expresses his hate for poetry and whacks the poet roughly in the head. The poet calls to Guy on the Steps for help. Guy slaps the poet. "Go away, poet....no wait...I heard you hate goats. To the gallows!"
Esmeralda exclaims, "Wait! Wait! I can prove this man loves goats! I have paintings!"
A bunch of other crap happens. Eventually Captain Hook steals the Auryn, and he and the goat run off together to Fantasia.
Oh yeah, and Quasimodo dies as he's ringing his own death toll.
Blessed be, it's over!
Pippi ain't touching this one.
I truly wish I was cultured enough to appreciate this flick, but I'm not.
Don't forget, I co-host a Gilmore girls podcast entitled Under the Floorboards. Check us out for more fun from Stars Hollow, and updates on all the latest from the revival front!
You can also checkout my co-host's more intellectual Gilmore girls reading challenge here .
And remember..."He has a thing for you."
